Attractive.

 Image links from fed.

So my mom started singing this really weird sounding cantonese nursery rhyme (ok technically it's primary school rhyme) this afternoon and dad and I kept laughing at it cause the lyrics don't go well with the music at all. (Eg. ji4 de2 - the pitch for ji4 is higher than de2, so it goes from a higher to a lower pitch. When you put it with notes like E to G where it's from a note of a lower pitch to a higher one, it sounds odd. Ok don't know if I'm using the correct terms but you get the drift.)

Somehow we got addicted to this and sang it throughout the day. Decided it'd be more amusing to give it a simple piano accompaniment. (imagine nursery performance with little tree kids and piano accompaniment and off-pitch singing/squawking)

Today's a good day.

Great night with genuinely nice people. The world would be a great place if everyone were understanding and non judgemental like that :)

Lucian Freud, Naked Girl Asleep.

This painting gets to me every time. 

(Not my first time posting this, so pardon my habit of looking at things over and over and over again)

The sheer vulnerability of it is simply indescribable.

You can't help but imagine yourself in such a position and you want to cover it up so badly because it's terrifyingly exposed. Yet at the same time, you're strangely drawn to it. Maybe because you get accustomed to the feeling of being exposed and you come to terms with it. That is a nice feeling, to not fear openness. Discomfort lingers but it does not repulse you anymore.

I've always wanted to know the true colour of the painting though. 

I know "Freud uses cremnitz and flake white"

but don't know how cremnitz white is like to be able to deduce the true colour of the painting.

Is it possible to deduce the colour of portraits by the kind of white an artist uses anyway?

-

Random photo of a girl I found with eyes I really like.

{edit} ok not just a random girl. Cara Delevingne. {/edit}

Collection of gifs of flames I found on tumblr.

They're my favourite things.

One can stare at them all day.

Sorry I can't get the credits :/

Everyone has a story behind them.
Listen, be patient, don't be too fast to cut them off.
There's something about everyone you can learn from.
And if someone annoys you, it's more to do with yourself than them.
So talk to people who want someone to listen to them.
Put others before self.

I flipped through my previous journals (the ones starting from August 2010). Number for entries from August 2010 - June 2012: Two books. Number of journal entries since 10 june 2012: Fifteen. Ohgod the first semester in university has seen me being so disgustingly happy and empty. Sadness (or whatever negative feelings) make you reflect so much more. And thinking is the only thing that keeps me alive. It's not as though I write a lot here either, but things here are public and therefore much less personal. I don't drop names here at all, with the exception of just the two I guess.

This might sound kind of twisted, but I want to be on that 'roller coaster of emotions', feel more and more and more and more sadness, so one simple action from someone would put me on a high. I want to write about them and feel alive. I don't want to be alone and satisfied. Things are kind of boring and empty.

So I long for happiness whenever I'm upset, but there's always the part of me that likes feeling like I'm at the bottom of the world, cause it feels productive. I mean, reflecting makes you feel productive cause it means you won't get depressed over the same things over and over again. And it makes you feel like you're gonna be a better person. Plus your head becomes so much clearer after writing.

It's like how they say 'there's always the storm before the calm'. And you like the storms cause they make you appreciate the calm much more later on.

-

Then again, I know I'm doing this to myself cause I'm simply detaching myself from people to prevent things from messing up with my life. Suppose they call that defence mechanism. So please, myself, learn to love others once more and fall into pits and abysses as you wish. (don't just love the ones you trust). You're being far too cold these days, not replying and such. You won't die.

Before Sunrise/ Before Sunset synopsis, words squeezed onto one page. Watched them under nic's recommendation. I'd love to talk about it but there's a mini Christmas dinner to prepare for at home.

The films are interesting because there is not much of a specific plot; they're like video recordings of the conversation between two strangers who met on the train (in before sunrise), and their encounter with each other later (in before sunset). Yes, for the full 1.5 hours for both films.

I prefer Before Sunset, it was much more complex and addressed issues I could relate to. Before Sunrise was nice in the more simple, romantic and idealistic way but I still liked it cause there was a lot to be learnt in the conversation between the two.

Maybe I need to learn to be independent, because I feel  lonely all time despite the hustle and bustle around. It's nothing like having high expectations, really, because I don't even know what there is to expect besides something that'll keep me happy inside. Not just the comforts of someone's embrace, or security, or a stable life interspersed with exciting moments, but true connection. I wouldn't say it's magical - just coincidence that two people, friends or lovers, like to talk/do the same things and are naturally interested in each others' views.

I'll be specific here though, since I just watched Before Sunset. The kind of love with hormones involved. People say, oh all these things are just romanticized, love is all about commitment. I do wonder if relationships coming from pure effort and intermittent love will last, not just on the surface and not something just satisfactory.

And what exactly is wrong with romanticising things anyway? Searching for it and not finding it is painful so we give up, maybe that's what.

And zooming in on marriage. Sometimes I think this whole "you must remind yourself to put in the effort because marriage is a commitment" thing is just a 'rule' to make sure people don't get divorced and kids don't suffer. It might not even be the truth.

Well firstly, if you're truly in love with each other, things will never end up in divorce even if you fight, because you know you need each other to feel fulfilled and satisfied. And if you actually end up with someone you don't love passionately enough, will putting in the effort make a difference when you know you both won't truly understand each other?

From a larger perspective it saves broken families, abandoned children, prevents social problems (and alot of other divorce/marriage related problems) - but the whole concept of love becomes so diluted. So you have a complete family. A roof over your heads and perhaps enough to provide your kids a good education (or anything that keeps them happy). You quarrel a little, you compromise, you are both loyal and committed, everything is comfortable.

But you still feel so lonely, because nothing that ever comes out of your mouths keeps your heart fulfilled. And your kids can sense it. Nobody will be able to know what love is, or even just to describe it, or know how to treat someone well.

-

Then again, all such talk is useless. Sadly a lot of us will end up marrying for all reasons other than love, because not everyone's lucky enough to find someone to love. The lucky ones go through 50 years together like they were both young and in their 20s.

Other people get married, have kids. Love dies, they try to remember what it was like when they were both young and in love. We settle down for fear of a lonesome life. Sure, we can grow fond of someone we want to take care of (and vice versa), someone who will be the other parent of your child, feel satisfied with that life - but that might be satisfaction and not love.

I know they say, "life is all about being satisfied with what you have". but.. I guess I'm still young and can afford to dream for a little while more. And if reality hits and I can't find anyone I know how to love properly, then I shall "resign to fate" and live with another body, not a soul. (and perhaps learn how to love a child properly instead).

Think people do tell me I'm idealistic and pessimistic at the same time. Fatal combination.

A seed sleeps, buried deep with dried soil granules, away from those of its species. Bored underground, it adapts and emerges, just to see itself in a slightly modified form, blending in beautifully with the rest. The branches, the leaves not entirely hers, but at least it was fun waltzing to the breeze in the dark of the night, rustling with her buddies close by. Few months pass, a bud grows but it never blooms - its deep purple core does not go well with the flood of blue blossoms around her.

If the seed could retract itself, it would wait patiently for the thunderstorm to wash it back to where it belongs - now it is too late.

I am a few feet underground.

Finished watching Lilya 4-ever by Lukas Moodysson under Sarah's recommendation.

Top: my most straightforward and raw interpretation/thoughts of/about the movie. Grammatical error spotted.

It is a really good movie about a 16 year old girl in Russia, abandoned by her mother and finally resorting to selling her body for the sake of survival. She gets into a 'relationship' with a man who wanted 'nothing of that sort' and promised her a better life in Sweden. So she left her hometown and her only friend, excited but guilt-ridden for she had abandoned him like her mother did to her. She realised she was trafficked into the Swedish sex industry upon arriving at her new room in Sweden and there, she was locked, only to be let out when there was 'work'. Twists at the end not to be revealed.

You really hate the mother for abandoning her and paving the way for her daughter's shitty life but at the same time, you can't help but wonder if she was trafficked as well when she left for America with her boyfriend (in a car as well). By the way, the scene of her running into her mother's arms and wailing "don't go! don't leave me alone!" and her running into a pool of mud as she watched the taxi disappear.. so so heart wrenching. 

Don't think I should analyse it much for it'd spoilt the movie for anyone. Much mirroring involved, and the cylicity, use of imagery. So. Good. Don't even attempt to click on the photo if you wanna watch the movie. Ok actually it doesn't really matter since they're quite straightforward.

I have two questions:

1) what is the purpose of living if life is horrible as Lilya's?

2) why is the body viewed as sacred?

-

Oksana Akinshina's eyes remind me of Michelle Williams in Blue Valentine. 

Antonio Vivaldi: Sinfonia "al santo sepolcro" RV 169

Background music for end titles. Bleak, painful, sad piece of music.
I am in love with this.

-

Not so related to movie (or perhaps it is),


Thom Yorke performing "last flowers till the hospital".

Depressing music two days in a row. I am so loving life right now.

Been to a few parties this year, it's great to finally be able to meet the people you haven't seen in ages but personally, I don't like the idea of parties that much, the crowd's too big for any talking. Don't get me wrong, I don't mind attending a few of them once in a while especially during Christmas just to get into that festive mood, and some games can be fun, but it's rather anti social behaviour cause you could be having as much fun with someone you don't know. You're engaged with a game and not the people. I don't really care if I still can't play bridge at age 20.

Things always end up the same: after a few hours of abit of talking and socialising, people run out of topics and there'll always be the "let's play card games/games/watch funny youtube videos together" suggestion. It's fun, but just as fun as finding people to play that game with you. People, not necessarily friends. Or people that happen to be able to play with you and whom you subsequently term as friends. I still find this all quite anti social. 

What does it mean to be "sociable" anyway? Feel like it does not necessarily have to be in big groups. At parties, there are always endless activities to get everyone involved. But parties can be equally 'sociable' with many many groups of 2-3 people having great conversation amongst themselves in a room of maybe 30. Problem is, you meet people you're not very close to during these big parties and it's normal to run out of topics quickly.

So why do people attend parties when they're not half as fun as we/movies help us imagine them to be?

I guess the world's a lonely place. Our closest friends may not be here by our side and as much as socialising can be tiring and perhaps a waste of time, we all hate being stuck at home alone on a day where everyone else are with their friends and loved ones.

The world is really just another lonely place.

aim of the moment no.1: stop being like you. Like, stop whining.

people kind of get amused when people google for weird things.
Guilty as charged, but it's interesting to note what people search for.
There are so many people on the internet you feel like hugging:

(1) type: "why do"

and the list of suggestions:
"why do men cheat"
"why do we dream"
"why do we yawn"
"why do cats purr"

(2) type: "why do i feel"

and the list of suggestions:
"why do i feel so tired"
"why do i feel so empty"
"why do i feel dizzy"
"why do i feel nauseous"

(3) type: "i hate"

and the list of suggestions:
"i hate myself"
"i hate singapore" (ok i didn't say that. I like singapore)
"i hate myself for loving you"

(4) type: "i am so"

and the list of suggestions:
"i am so bored"
"i am so lonely"
"i am so tired"

(5) type: "why is"

and the list of suggestions:
"why is the sky blue"
"why is the silence so loud"
"why is yawning contagious"
"why is my period late"

(6) type: "i wish"

and the list of suggestions:
"i wish i were the moon"
"i wish i were pretty"
"i wish i were there"

(7) type: "my life is so"

and the list of suggestions:
"my life is so boring"
"my life is so empty"
"my life is so twilight" (what???)
"my life is so messed up".

(8) type: "should i"

and the list of suggestions:
"should i upgrade to ios6"
"should i buy iphone 5"
"should i update to windows 8"

(9) type: "help my"

and the list of suggestions:
"help my unbelief"
"help my pride"
"help my acel"
"help my gf is a pregnant virgin" (and how does that happen..)

------

note to self: write about train ride with dad this afternoon.
note to self: 3:15 am - am annoyed for now.

Blonde Redhead - Silently

Love this.

1) Be supportive, always
2) Listen

Robbie Williams - Candy

Catchy pop. Was in the record store with nic and thought it sounded familiar.

Maybe that's what a person's personality is: the difference between the inside and the outside.

Jonathan Safran Foer, Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close

There is only one thing stopping me from drawing:

The laptop is in front of me and blocking my way. It is switched off while i'm typing away on the desktop. There is no space on the table, and clothes I've brought back from Tembusu are stacked on the bed as well so there's no space for my laptop at all.

Finding a space for it means I'll have to pack my bed, and my table. I am reluctant to do so because I want to reply to Sarah (been wanting to do so for ages) and I want to sketch and design that t-shirt. But I can't do all these because...

my laptop is blocking my way.
And I do not want to pack up.

This would make a good topic for a silly nursery rhyme. Or something.

{edit} packing was actually quite fun. Everything's fun when you start on it. Now, what can explain the intertia? - googles: why do people get lazy? -{/edit}

"the power of introverts ep1" inspired by the book "quiet".

Issues about whether such labelling's necessary aside,

this video reminds me of my experiences during the negotiation workshop held over the past 3 days. Now to set the context - "Quiet: the power of introverts in a world that can't stop talking' by Susan Cain is a book about how Western culture misunderstands and undervalues the traits and personalities of introverted people. I've always wanted read it (after watching Susan Cain's TED talk sometime at the start of the year), simply because it makes you feel better to know that "not thinking aloud, writing thoughts out instead of speaking", "preferring to recharge by being alone", "thinking too much" and "working slowly" are not traits that are unacceptable. This is contrary to what I've always believed (especially in secondary school when I was much less comfortable in my own skin), because such behaviour have caused me much sadness.

So, the negotiation workshop, organized by our wonderful prof in Tembusu College - a 3 day workshop teaching us the skills of.. well, negotiating. We were given the chance to do role-playing and negotiate with different cases and issues at hand, 1-1 parties, 2-2 parties, 3-3 parties, and even a 27 party, 6 hour long negotiation on the last day. It was fun, no doubt, learning ways to come to a common consensus with another party that had totally differing interests from you at first.

But it was only great for me in 1-1 pairings, because I just shut up most of the time when working with bigger groups. There's so much more stimulation when there's a big group of people and it's so difficult to think aloud. There's no time to write down and straighten out my thoughts when a question is posed, there's the pressure to respond immediately. So I ended up switching off half the time. And the fact that I'm afraid of saying the wrong things/saying things that might be different from the viewpoints of my group members did not help. I wonder if the people thought I was dumb or stupid or useless back there. I'm sorry, I really honestly cannot think in the presence of people (the maximum is just one other person, or two people that can be trusted completely). Discounting such times, the workshop was really fun, and perhaps very much so for people who aren't like me. I'd like to thank my lucky stars for giving me a place in Tembusu where there are so many opportunities to learn.

Back to introversion. Oddly, there's another side of me that's completely loud and talkative and crazy in front of people I'm comfortable with, be it in big or small groups. And the friendly me who says hi to everyone and can talk to strangers and can do small talk with acquaintances (even though I hate it). Sometimes I feel odd. There are so many pieces of me. I wish to have more alone time in school, but I'm still searching for someone who can understand me completely so, I can't cut back on trying to socialize yet.

There's an exceptional number of people here who think aloud and aren't afraid to voice out their thoughts here. Sometimes I can't help but fear that they'd think I'm "not up there enough" because nobody knows what I'm thinking. Being "good enough", especially intellectually, is a really big thing here. I don't like to tell people who I am (or maybe there really isn't a need). They only see the bubbly, crazy side of me. And since I'm not that horrible at socialising (if i want to), people just assume I like talking. I don't. It makes me tired.

This justifies the existence of this blog, because technically there's no target audience and technically I'm not telling anybody about who I am; but if any one reads this and understands what I want most is not just someone to 'get high' with, but someone who can talk to me about things we care deeply about, then that'd be great.

Ok I blog mostly because it'd terrible to lose track of who you are at any point of time.

I wonder if this is called self absorption.

Grapes and Cherry Tomatoes

There are two grapes and two cherry tomatoes in front of me. So I ate the cherry tomatoes, bit into its skin and a salty, fresh taste fills my mouth. Half a second later, I pick up the other oval shaped, reddish fruit - the grape. But perhaps I didn't register it as a grape; picking up a visually similar object within such a short period of time, I expected the taste to remain unchanged.


It tasted like the weirdest thing on earth as I bit into it - antecedent saltish taste from the tomatoes and then a fresh burst of sweetness mixed into it - in the form of a deceiving looking grape. Next time I'll try mixing a bowl of grapes and cherry tomatoes and not look while eating - just to see how both fruits (which your fingers will think are exactly the same) can confuse the tastebuds.

Sidenote: freeze grapes and consume as a midnight snack.

COMPLETELY ADDICTED. Fed's recommendation.

Radiohead - Just (Live from Saitama Super Arena, Japan, 2008)


The video

Also, something to think about.

i want my effing freedom which i don't get when i'm back here.

AhsChoir had a farewell for our teacher in charge Mr Tan today. Hope he doesn't mind mind me sharing what he posted on facebook up here. (unsure of the privacy settings)

Felt like tearing/had goosebumps listening to this, especially at "until we meet again". Here are my honest thoughts, because what was felt was simply overwhelming. Sometimes I listen to music for a few times to understand it a little more, but this - it just got to my core the first time round. There are many choral pieces that can be more beautiful than this, but the context matters the most. I cannot begin to describe how it tugs at the heartstrings, releases them and gently pulls them back. It's been a long while since I've been moved so much by a song so, so beautiful that I choke when I try to sing it. The harmony and dynamics - build up, gently cascade down and continue to flow. None of the students' faces are recognizable, but watching and listening to people so young capable of creating something so beautiful.. evokes memories. Of how we were fifteen and got our Gold with Honours. We sang credo at Olomouc. We circled around the teachers there and Ubi Caritas was the first song that entered everyone's minds. We sang it. I think M (if I'm not wrong) was the student conductor. He was a small thirteen year old boy back then, and now he's conducting, communicating so elegantly.

Loneliness, besides nostalgia, was the only other emotion I knew when I heard xuan was going back with her friends for the farewell, saw photos on facebook with the (major) clique from my batch with Mr Tan. I wish I were part of a group back then. Nobody will ever ask me to attend choir related events even though I am so in love with the music and want to be part of it so badly. Same for band in jc, same for everything else. I wish I were not that different. Or quiet. I wish I belong with the people who love the same things as I do.

Farewell Mr Benjamin Tan. I wasn't part of the exco and didn't know you well, but you remind me of the conductor at les Choristes. You were charismastic and taught us music and values. Farewell, even though you'd never read this. Farewell, even though the only thing you'll remember about me is my name.

This is wonderful beyond measure.
Ahs Choir, you're so beautiful :')

Are you Happy?/
No./
So why are you here?/
We're satisfied. People spend their lives looking for happiness when all it'll bring is misery.

-

I feel like I have been rather self absorbed, inconsiderate, straightforward and defensive as of late. There's too much in people I cannot stand, the problem must be with me and not anyone else.

We visited the museums today, SOVA (art theory) is greatly missed.

I'd be a hypocrite if i talk to you. Cannot stand how you want to be the centre of attraction wherever you go. Perhaps there's something wrong with me because it makes me really annoyed.

Exams ended 11 this morning and it was a little less peaceful than I had imagined it to be - not that I'm complaining, of course. Exams aside, I finally had a proper meal of ramen and frozen yoghurt after God knows how many days of bread and tuna for both breakfast and lunch. Collected the flute I rented (kept me excited throughout the day), dinner at wahchee with a mix of people, playing the piano with Fed and then a movie marathon (Inglourious Basterds & Easy A) with 5 others all the way till 6:30.

I would say my post exam celebration is complete - now the time to write all the letters I've been wanting to write, to improve on my tone on the flute, get back to oil painting again, read. As much as I'd love to go out, I really hope there'll be at least 1/2 - 2/3 of my time allocated for doing such individualistic activities.

6:53 am. Time for bed, I guess.

Don't normally fancy debates but it's actually fun to speak to friends with opposing points of view. Also, I love being in FASS. I love how I'm taking (seemingly) different modules, yet they all link to each other in very interesting ways. There's psychology everywhere. There's that bit of geography perspective in IEM, and theatre can be viewed through so many different kinds of lenses.

There's just one major thing that's stopping me from studying now - MY MAJORLY DISTRACTION-PRONE BRAIN. Honestly. I always discover the joys of studying only A DAY before the exam, because that's when I get a sense of urgency and can stop myself from getting distracted by anything.

So I spent the whole day searching for instrument rental shops and watching videos of child murderers and people with dissociative disorders, and so you think you can dance, and talking to my friends about the adoption of husbands' surnames. Am I wrong to say that the root of all such debate is inequality between the genders? If so, would getting the husband to adopt the wife's surname as well (such that both will become "tan-lim" instead of the husband as "tan" and the wife as "tan" as well) help resolve the issue?

The Temper Trap - Fader

General mood right now. Even though it's 2:20am and I have yet to study for my new media finals for tomorrow. Yup, not even a fingerprint on the notes. Plus the previous papers were terrible. Fader is so catchy. And here's a song to listen to when you're stressed:


Les Choristes - La Nuit

His voice. makes you forget about the existence of problems.

Hi you make me realize I can't survive in this world alone. Thought I was doing relatively fine, being emotionally independent the past 5 months, but it struck me that I need to feel responsible towards someone to do things. (or perhaps I wasn't "independent". Just... emotionally separated and cut off from people). There's no purpose in living alone like I have all this while ever since I stepped into this new environment.

Something really 

desirable

lingering

tranquil

about black and white.

I do miss darkness a little. You remind me of it. Stayed in my room the whole day and didn't see anyone (besides my mom who came over) after 9am. 8:52pm now, haven't started on geography, new media, theatre studies at all and psychology is roughly 1/6 done. Ok let my last minute powers do the magic please. Exams are on the day after tomorrow, the day after after tomorrow, the day after after after tomorrow, and last one's a week (minus 12 hours) later. 

I do not know what makes me happy. Definitely not simplicity. Where's all the beautiful mess, entanglement, the confusion? Where's.. what am I even looking for.

Now, goodbye. Back to work.

Am reading the portion of the psychology textbook about depression. Sometimes I really do feel proud of myself for getting over year 2010 and going through the A's in my room plastered with post-its. With the support of mainly my parents and two friends and a teacher. I often forget to pass on this love to others, to people who need help now.

There was one friend who really stood by me then, though we no longer talk to each other. I read alot about others' experiences. I want to remember my serious escapism problems, how I used to cry everyday, all those defense mechanisms. Excessive writing into the night and falling asleep in school the next day, thinking far too much, over sensitivity. Convincing my mom to bring me to the clinic to check for sleep disorder just because I wanted a reason for my tiredness, one that I didn't have to be held responsible for. I just didn't want to sleep at night. And strangely liking the sadness I feel because it makes me think, and thinking made me feel less inferior to others. I talk about them like they're nothing now, because they're of the past. But I certainly do not want to forget, not like I can forget anyway.

And there's the one teacher I really must thank, I wouldn't have gotten over anything without him, or my father. They probably shape my views of 'an ideal person'. I'm happy I'm here now. I must make full use of my opportunities here, do what I can. Most importantly, always be grateful and pass the love on.

Today I stared at the mirror, thinking about how strange it is that this person, with the certain combination of facial features, is staring back at you - and that person is you. It feels strange to live, and be able to see and feel yourself living life. I wouldn't say life is wonderful, but I don't mind being here and contributing as a life form on this planet. I don't know why we exist, and I do not know why we need emotions, but as long as we do, we should just fulfill our role as humans and.. do things.

I just had a proper talk (for a while) with someone I can tell everything and anything to, and it's mutual. I don't feel as happy talking to anyone else. There isn't anyone else I can tell everything to, or anyone who's as willing to tell me about things. Not just about everyday life. We haven't talked in a while. Maybe that's why I've been feeling lonely.

It's 7:43 am. 2.5 hours since i've been awake (cause I feel asleep at 12 with the lights on). Should be doing productive things now. Be it sleep or work.

Random: are classical theories (such as freud's theory of how the conflict between unconscious sexual drive and the demands of civilized human society is represented by psychological disorders, dreams and human behaviours) not as easy and straightforward to understand as compared to contemporary theories because we don't fully the context? I feel like I don't know enough about that era and the extent of social pressure - the demands of civilized human society -  at that time, and it affects my understanding of his theories.

My brother is getting married tomorrow :') This has always been a omg-my-brother-is-getting-married thing with much excitement, until I read the note his girlfriend - i mean his wife - i mean sister in law - tagged me in. It was about how she knows he'll always be there for her because he flew across the globe just to be with her during her operation, was there for so many of her dance competitions etc. And how she's not his girlfriend anymore - she's his wife.

To be honest, (in the past) I felt you two had very different interests, constantly quarreled in the past, started off so fast and fresh, and wondered how things would work out, but I guess the note helped me understand love is so much more than that. More than these 'connections' I always look for, more about genuine care and concern.

I know you two will last long. Yahui you're really lucky to have my brother (I used to tell my friends that I wish my future bf would be like him, because he really really is a great, caring person) - and he's lucky to have you as well, to have someone to care for, and someone who can bring more emotion and warmth into his life. Congratulations, both of you.

My brother is getting married :")

Can't find the connection, not quite yet.

STRESSED

(on a sidenote, i love how helpful Tembusians are. Think they've influenced me to want to share what I have with others)

Need to grow up. I feel so unreliable and undependable, and everybody only sees the non serious side of me. I feel light and floaty and too happy.

i'm not doing enough for anyone. there's no excuse to feel.. i don't know how to describe this feeling. unsure, maybe. of who are the ones i can hold really really really close to my heart. i feel too guilty to talk to any of them. i haven't had the energy to talk to anyone properly. There's also no point in saying sorry. i'm losing grip.

Whole long list of check boxes waiting to be ticked.

They weren't exaggerating when they said we're dependent on technology. So I've been phoneless for 4 days now and it's causing lots of trouble. Spent the past 4-5 hours at the blackberry service centre at red hill, and then to funan to get a new battery (they said the phone can't start up cause of the battery) just to discover that it doesn't work as well. I think they're discussing TS stuff over whatsapp and nobody can contact me unless I'm in my room on facebook. I am so annoyed with my blackberry. Been refusing to change my phone cause I simply adore the keypad (can't stand touch screen phones) but this is too much to take.

Right. Pure ranty post here.

Sometimes people who look like they shouldn't be a pair end up together, and maybe forever. It feels like love should be made up of so much more than just effort. Endless love should be an understanding about each other. And Love shouldn't be about finding someone 'alright enough' to start a family with. I guess we'll eventually settle down (and perhaps for less) when there's still no one at 30, just because we don't want to be lonely beings and we need to reproduce. But I'm just 20 anyway.

I live in a fairytale. I think many things should just come together in a click. I've seen my parents so happy together for so many years now, never seen them not working as a pair (besides the one-day, at most two, quarrels). Sure, they put in a lot (and I mean a lot, alot) of effort into making things work, but it never seems forced, or like they're putting in more effort than they should. They said things just worked out for them. I think they complement each other well. I told myself I'll never let myself have anything less than that.

The thought of devoting your life to someone when you could be better off growing old with someone else you MIGHT meet 5 years later bugs me. There is also no point in being with someone compatible with you on an 'okay' level, cause you might be so in love at that point and miss out something better. One day I know I'll be gravely mistaken, but for now, I'll still wait for some click that could never happen, at least to me.

Because I just can't stand the thought of binding yourself with someone you might have to fight too hard for and eventually lose just because you're really not meant for each other. I don't want to start something knowing you have your differences anyway, then fight hard for a long period and realise that the difference is something you both cannot mend afterall. And when the kids come, you have no choice but to hold on even though you don't love each other much. It's so painful to watch two people fighting over differences that are ingrained in them. Why hold on when you're not meant for each other? Pure connection doesn't come simply by letting (or making) yourselves trust each other, trust is about understanding each other on SO many levels that can't be explained.

It's also painful to watch someone loving a girl who loves herself more than him. The "would you rather love or be loved" question. I think there should never be an imbalance. I don't think I'd want to agree to a bond where I know he'll always love me more. The reality is that there's an imbalance most of the time, I'm just saying it's not ideal.

I know we can't change someone. There must be someone, just being himself, worth settling for, who thinks we are worth settling for. There must be the right person we'll find at the right time, and we'll hold onto each other forever.

I'll probably realise how extremely naive this one day.

Still feel like a lot of people don't know who I am. They like to assume that I am just the crazy, hyperactive girl. I'm not made up of just that.

Maybe I really give too little shit about what others think of me.
Ok I'm probably the weirdest girl you'll ever meet on the planet. Who doesn't really act like a girl. My mom says I should be more graceful. My friend says I should act more demure and to not have sleepy eyes. I agree with the part about having sleepy eyes, but I really don't want to be so conscious of a part of me just because people wouldn't like it.

Feel like people who'll accept me despite such oddities will be the most true and genuine, and that's the way things should be. But I guess we do live in a planet with other beings and we do have to care about being able to fit in, to a certain extent.

"i feel i can express my feelings to anyone, you don't necessarily have to trust them to do so"

so we didn't take photos. But we swear by my crystallized sweat and nico's seventeen pairs of jeans that we completed the race with the bizillions of germ-looking people in black dry fit shirts today.

And hi nico if you ever read this, i really like how you see the better side of people and bring out the better side of me. It's as though you're constantly reminding me (just with your presence) to not be judgemental and always attempt to understand people.
-

Suddenly realised I've been rather anti-social, turning down the 'new' people in my life, not even putting in the effort to know them better. I wonder what people think about my text replies that always come hours or a day late. I have no right to feel sad when I scroll through all the pictures others take together.

focus on what's left to focus on

ok i think it ends right here.

And regarding people, I'm still enjoying my time trying to be the person i used to want to be. The one who will not be rejected by the crowds or the sociable outspoken friendly popular kids. The one who belongs to bigger groups (which makes you 'generally acceptable') and does not have to cry after classes. University life is something fresh, something new, something exciting. Somehow this sense of belonging I've always wanted feels short-lived. I'm getting used to such "surface-level relationships", but I don't feel particularly happy. Accepted, yes, but not particularly joyful. Where's the particular meaning in life I used to constantly seek? It probably isn't in large groups of people. I don't even like being with that much people that much to begin with - which probably explains why I used to be the quiet kid in big groups (and in contrast, a crazy ball of energy when with my closer friends). Perhaps the stupidest thing i've done is to feel upset about not being able to blend into huge groups. I would've been happier feeling okay with myself. I didn't have to be a stupid insecure kid. Next change; to go back to being who I used to be, know what will make me deeply satisfied, not just 'happy'. As much as being part of a community feels nice, there isn't enough time to have both social and personal time. Comfort is not completely found in big groups, nor is it found just within myself. I need (a few) individuals. Just where on earth are they?

I think I'm slowly turning into someone (too) easily satisfied with life.

I used to think carefully before every decision, rejected doing things that seem to be meaningless, used to hate small talks, only considered those whom i can connect perfectly well with my friends, or somewhere along the lines of that. That made me feel better than others in the sense that I wasn't simply 'floating' on earth (like I probably am now), but I was sad all the time. So I started to erase lot of my expectations and told myself 'whatever will be, will be'. I guess I might've taken the phrase the wrong way, because it ended up as 'don't put so much thought into things, just let things happen and accept it', which shouldn't be the case because it simply means I don't have a goal or a brain right now. I don't feel like I'm in control of anything, I just feel okay and generally happy about everything - or at least i try to make myself forget and move on whenever things upset me. I'm not reflecting enough, not doing enough with my life. This has to change. (Or does it? Why do we need so much meaning in our life?)

I really shouldn't question every single bloody thing.
Things have to change.

You remind me of the part of me I tried hard to erase.
It makes me irrationally mad. annoyed. disturbed.
I.r.r.a.t.i.o.n.a.l.l.y annoyed.

(Note to self)

A friend who cares about you will not be selfish. You will be there to listen to her when she's down, but she must be interested to listen to what you have to say as well. Evaluate your friendship, will she still be your friend when she doesn't need you?

Similarly, evaluate your friendship with a person if you see yourself putting your own needs before hers/his. You're being unfair to someone if you let her/him think you value the friendship a lot when in fact you just want someone to listen to your troubles and have someone to hang out with. Or maybe you really do value that friendship, but how often do you put your needs before hers/his? Or are you more interested in talking about yourself that listening to what s/he has to say, simply because you don't -genuinely- care?

Say you realise you don't actually care that much. Should you decide to put in more effort, or slowly distance yourself away? Because sometimes we can't fake our interest in people. Be genuine to everyone, including yourself. And don't ever lie to people about how much they mean to you. Never.

Always be honest.

1. Know what you want to do
2. Know what you're doing

Interviews are like everyday conversations: messy, complex, often containing contradictions and statements that are made off the top of one's head, with people shifting topics and getting lost in details, losing the line of their argument, not finding the exact words for what they wish to say, and with silences, hesitations, pauses. Recording devices often have a 'voice activation' tool; if you switch it on it will only record when there is an audible voice.

Never ever switch that thing on. If you do, you would lose that crucial part of conversations which we call silence. Silences are not an absence of speech, they are the production of silence, they are very much part of speech. We produce silence when we need to think, when we hesitate (i.e. when we find something sensitive, controversial, or emotional), when we do not wish to say something.

-

As much as IEM's stressful, I feel like it's the module I can relate the most to.

Shit it is 2:41, i am staring at the comments my prof made on my IEM essay and I don't get a single bloody thing. The words seemed perfectly comprehensible a few days back. Bloody need sleep. The brain can't even match names to faces/people now.

On a brighter note, I'm thankful for the concerned and helpful people in my life. The corner room on the 19th floor loves company. Will do nice stuff for people when I have a little more time.

-

edit: 6:11am. Haven't slept the whole night. Caffeine seems to be doing its wonders as my brain is not as dead as it was. Just let me survive till 12. No wait, 3. No wait, 7:30. No wait, the day only ends at 11. And then it'll be wednesday.

Miss drawing alot.

Don't know why but I choose to remain silent these days.
-
I miss the people who came over the past few days.

Let them judge the shit out of things, we're separate beings anyway.

This is not a mark of confidence, just me drawing away from people. 

There's a whole world in here I can feel comfortable in.

coffee over carrots

I watched Noel Gallagher's High Flying Birds live at F1 yesterday. It's like a dream come true. He ended with Don't look back in anger like I've always imagined. Wore the exact same grey polo, the same red electric guitar. Couldn't stop squeezing nico's shoulders in excitement. If only the crowd was better. Maybe they're just like me, they kind who'd just stand there, enthralled. I STILL CANNOT BELIEVE IT. I WATCHED THEM LIVE I WATCH THEM LIVE.

-

God I hate seeing people together.
Makes it feel like being alone is a very bad thing.

FOCUS OUT NOT IN

Evidence of escapism: falling asleep 3 times while doing a tough assignment even though I just woke up from 6 hours of sleep and am physically energetic. This is the true explanation for "sleep is for the weak". I remember sleeping during most lessons back in my jc days.

Generally, this place is for sad/melancholic/emo stuff, with this post as an exception. Life is actually getting a little better: getting used to the school system, feeling more grounded, slightly more certain of who the ones around me are (just slightly). That summarizes the positive parts of campus life, don't feel like elaborating even though there's a lot to be said, a lot i've learnt and realized throughout the 6 weeks. Just a brief update.

Honestly? I don't think I'm a very nice person in the sense that I don't care much about doing nice sweet little random things for friends or stuff like that. Things girls usually do. Unless there's something really awesome and relevant. And I'm such a lousy text replier. I think I belong to the category of people that will be satisfied by 'heart to heart talks' (that's what they call it here) when we meet, and whenever needed. Maybe it means I don't put in enough effort into my friendships, maybe it means I believe purely in connection and chemistry. Am wondering if anything will change this, because it isn't something to be proud of.

i like sadness. and intensity. and heaviness.

i am confused. i can't forget. red slid out of the covers.

threw green into the basket. 

closed my eyes. tired. fell asleep. 

red orb is up. walk. forget. i'm okay.

What have I done? Or rather, not done?

Patrick Park - Life is a Song

Dear me, please be more responsible for goodness' sake.

Am more attached to new people because of detachment from the group i used to be closer to. How often do we find friends that are with us from the start purely by choice, and not because we come in second? So we sometimes settle for second best and live with it, we call it fate and feel better about not being able to be with the ones we could've clicked fantastically well with. We play the rules of the game called fate, like game pieces of an unknown force. I do not really know why we live, but we just do as a grain of sand on the beach. We just live and do things. Just a bunch of incoherent, random thoughts.

A girl I just met was playing this at the common lounge this morning. I love how she had a very light touch, her fingers doing ballet. Mine does hip hop with classical pieces at times so there's now motivation to practice more often! If the common lounge isn't occupied, that is. I kind of really miss having lessons. The feedback we got from our seniors yesterday during acapella prac reminded me of how helpful constructive comments are.

Something scary happened. I accidentally posted this on the oms blog.

Sent a text to my mom today because I suddenly felt grateful for the things my parents have done for me. Since I don't write things until I really feel like it, I guess it's okay to make a conclusion that I'm beginning to miss my life outside only now, when things have finally settled down in school. Life is much less happening, and the space I get in my room now is awesome. There are pictures of people on the wall.

I'm just afraid that there are things happening outside this comfort zone, and that I'm not invited and will not be invited in the future once I step out of it for a while. Life outside is so tiring and draining, trying to seek validation from others is draining, yet the thirst for it remains.

For now, in this new place, I feel like my need to be with people does not feel genuine, that I be with them not because I genuinely like people, but because I yearn for a feeling of acceptance. But then again, what does "genuinely liking people" mean?

Maybe I need to be alone for a little while more to get used to it again, or visit people who have existed from some time ago. I can count two people I really like being with, and two more I care alot about. I do wish I can let new people in more easily. But I suppose it's okay since it's only been two months.

It doesn't really matter if it's a person or a group of people, all the space needs is a sense of belonging. Acceptance from the ones it wants acceptance from, not just anyone.

Do only what you want
Be ok with everyone

Supernova

Felt 60% myself when I was jumping and screaming on the grass.
The other 40% of me was trying to see how a 'high' me would look like.
Like, if i were to be myself, I think I would move to the beat (alot) and smile (alot) and think of why the songs were so awesome. Screaming and jumping isn't really the default expression of happiness.

Sometimes I wonder if 'high' people feel like themselves all the time.
Feel like being totally yourself means you are unaware of what you are doing, cause you just do things and think of nothing else.

90% of me was happy when the last band played though, cause they were really good. ANOTHER ONE BITES THE DUST. Am thinking if I should go for Noel Gallagher for 128 dollars, just for an hour.

PROVE THEM WRONG.

Am glad there's someone a little more liberal here, someone who wouldn't judge you according to the people you talk to, whatever you say. It's just great to know someone like that exists, even if you don't get to talk much. Someone I don't know too well said I seem like I don't care about what others think of me, I guess I don't give a damn if they think I'm weird. Because I am. Just that when it comes to things like character and stuff, I'm not really sure. It's hard to tell if there's really a problem with your personality, or that they're just personality clashes. Or a difference in values.

On a lighter note, today's a rather good day because I feel my brain's functioning well for the first time in three months. Thanks to coffee. Maybe it really is the lack of sleep that's killing me and not any case of mysteriously disappearing IQ. 4am nights aren't the way to go huh. I don't even know what I do.

A box contains me. 

The strong urges to speak, they're all me. Inside the box.

People see the box because the lid doesn't want to be opened.

There's something dying to spring out but the lid wouldn't budge.

And that is all there is to this self, what people see,

a plain box.

It feels like I'm trying time and time again to be somebody I'm not. There's something pulling me to 'step out of my boundaries', yet I can't fit into that mold well. But I still try anyway, and I do not know why. Trying hard to prove to myself that I can be responsible I guess.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH :(

1 Why do we need people to know who we are, or share with everyone whatever we're thinking/whatever we like? Let's just keep silent and let in the ones who are genuinely interested.

2 I shouldn't have brought topics back to my opinions so often. it must've been an attempt to tell you who I am. That didn't work.

3 Talk about the impossibility of total connection.

4 i realise i have made you the benchmark of all my friendships. We had a year to forge our friendship, but I don't know if it's possible to find anything like it here. It's sad how I always take you for granted.

5 and you. You should stop talking about yourself all the time.

Realise the importance of grounded values.
elaborate someday.

Somehow the meaning of attending social events got lost.
Or it was never there to begin with.
But I have succumbed to social pressure
and tonight I'll go with the people I like.
I'm just thinking if it's okay to do things as long as I'm with them,
or if I should stick to what I'd prefer doing.
Do so alone or with anyone.
I do not know if doing what I like is more important, or having people around me is more important.

1) There's nothing you can do about it

2) Accept it or ignore it.

and there goes sadness. 

This is not me.

6:25am

The rest are asleep, Ann on my bed and the others on the sofas. I have unpacked my things and installed the lights and I am tired, but there's something to pen down. I watched the rest drink and felt glad to be the sober one noticing their needs just now.

I don't like getting drunk and sleepy (therefore uninvolved) and I don't like big groups. There is one thing from today I will remember from today; not the silly entertaining staggering guys or flushed faces you can find during every drinking session anyway, but what z said before I left the room. That I say yes too easily, often give that 'blur' face, and the rest can be elaborated on with ease. I need more 'character'. I need to be more careful. It's like having the very reason why I'm so troubled lately right in front of my face. I appreciate the honesty.

My birthday letter with the words "you have to be more grounded" hinted slightly to the plain fact that I can't say no. Now I fully get it. My lack of commitment to things, how I flit around different people. Not being able to say no when someone new asks me out even though i'm with another group of people, letting them say whatever they want. Not that I was like that all throughout the first two months of my university life - i just somehow lost the need to let others know who I am and what I'm thinking. and slowly forgot what are the things I want as well. It feels as though nobody knows who I really am. Anything goes.

Anything goes. I don't know if it's that I'm accepting or that there are too many things I can't be bothered to make a stand about (i have to know what i want and the rest don't). But whatever it is, I just don't make my stand known. Like it's okay to do things I've never wanted to do, to let them post rubbish on my fb wall (ok honestly it's quite amusing). Is it? I hate letting them know who I am and telling them what I want. It makes me feel selfish and self centered. Also because I hate missing out on things and being left out if I don't join any programmes.

And then there are the kinds of people I am more inclined to talking to. There are the nice, easy going, soft spoken kind (that can be thinkers) I'm not compelled to speak to no matter what. And the opposite kind of people I talk to/want to be. Sadly people think I fall into the first category. I should speak more. But I don't want to get things my way, and I don't want to speak.

So tired. Leave the rest for another day. Thanks z for saying that.

6:58 am

can't talk to more than one person at a time.
want to curl up into a ball and tell someone that's me.
the one inside.

Am disappointed in the person i am now.
I need to get my life in order.

"stay grounded". Grounded.
Life is not just about getting by and floating around.
What exactly do I stand for?

just a notice to say this won't be dead. school's starting in 1 hour 20 minutes.

I thought I liked solitude. I think I was just used to it.

Am too empty to write these days. Need some alone time. Lots of alone time. (But i must say, being with people has been much more interesting than I had expected).

It's frustrating how I can't write properly, I feel disgustingly shallow now. Also, this place doesn't feel as safe anymore.

I like it when someone says my 'camp life' is "funny". Having a 2 hour talk with just two others (or one) is the best way to end a camp.

So glad I've (finally) finished reading the perks of being a wallflower. I feel like charlie and it keeps me sane. Being with people is strangely addictive, a part of me likes the feeling of acceptance I get when I interact with them. But I don't feel too much like myself around people because it means i have to talk a lot. You end up saying things you haven't put much thought into. Still, I'm glad I attended the past 3 camps even though they drain me of so much energy (especially mental), I haven't had healthy social interaction with people for an entire year while doing my private. It's been getting better so far. I think I'm just slightly more open to the idea of interacting with people even if I know some won't be my closest friends in the future.

tired of social interaction

 I'm finally back in my room after two camps, with 20 years minus 1 day of life behind me. Tomorrow's the start of my last and final camp at NUS (excluding Tembusu&Arts orientation week), and I'm more than looking forward to having time to myself. There are so many things stuck at the back of my head, waiting for their turn to exist on pieces of paper.

There were times during the camps where I felt I was at places too far away from my own world, with sociable people all around me. Sometimes it feels like I am on a different wavelength with many and often chose the easier way out by keeping quiet. (excluding the random high moments) Despite that, Tembusu camp was honestly nice. Perhaps it's because we all know we'd be staying with each other the next 1-2 years which helped us put in more effort into knowing each other, but whatever it is, it felt homely. I haven't exactly met great friends yet (some people make friends where they talk to often after the camp), but I think I would in the future. The seniors are really nice, the girls my age bring more familiarity to this place. I tried to be slightly more friendly during Tembusu Exposure Camp, I guess it did work a little. It makes me slightly happier to be this way during camps. 

So, if the first line wasn't obvious enough, it was my birthday yesterday. I am 20, and I don't feel older. Actually, I don't feel much about it. At least I made myself feel less about it. I had 20 minutes in a car which wasn't enough to say the less significant things I wanted to say, along with a letter I've been waiting for. I had a chocolate cake with 19 candles to share with 2 ogs worth of people, and I'm happy the comm made an effort to get it for a random freshie even though we've only known each other for a few days. They got the 100 people to sing a song too. I didn't tell anybody about my birthday. I also miss my friends who are overseas.

My relatives (the second batch) have just arrived from hong kong and they are at the dining room with the rest of my family. It's not that I don't like talking to people, I just don't like talking about things that drain me of energy. I think that makes me rude and anti social. I'll talk to them with less people around.

And this place has had enough of me. I haven't replied to the "happy birthday!" messages because I was far too tired before this. Thanks for the wishes anyway!

" I’m forgetting more and more each day. I’m forgetting how to compromise with someone, how to structure my life around someone else. I mean, it’s not like I ever really did that anyway. I’ve always been someone who’s needed their alone time and done their own thing. But I do like this idea of being a team and working together. You spend too much time alone and you forget how to do that. You forget how to be with someone other than yourself. "

"I pet his face and listen to his breath and cannot fall asleep because there is a foreign feeling in my veins, it is the feeling of finally getting what I wanted, and the feeling is colder than i ever thought it would be. The feeling won't let me sleep."
-

It is 1:45 am and I do not want to sleep but I have to. I thought I wasn't interested in fiction until I found a good one. It makes me confused. I am skipping the parts because I have no time to finish the book but I want to know what will happen to her. Okay it is 2 am.

Animations are awesome. (or visuals, to be less specific)

Effective ones, that is.
By effective, I mean those that contribute to a certain message, or complement what a song has to say or add meaning to words. Or as long as they go well with anything light-hearted and bubbly. Etc.

(Because i want to get away from my computer asap to read, i shan't talk about these videos for now.)

Just one thought: animations/visuals make everything better - more interesting, engaging, easier to remember. Honestly. All great talks should be animated, no issue. Moving onto the music videos. Instead of having music videos that are almost totally unrelated to the songs (happens often), more artists should think of creating more effective videos with visuals/stories that link to the words or emotions behind the lyrics. We can still have our bizillion interpretations of the audio track, no restriction. But I thought it'd be nice to have more videos made according to how the artist himself interprets it. Just thought that might make their work a little more impactful, amongst many other ways that might exist to stick these words/music on our minds. Isn't that the whole point of videos? To add depth.

Okay maybe singers have to think about things like budget constraints but.. what's the point of creating a video if it doesn't even give the song any sort of value? Such a waste of film and beautiful lyrics if the film/story would be better off with another song. Or if the lyrics aren't that fantastic, use the video to make it good. Okay perhaps some videos exist just to remind us of the existence of the song. Then I have nothing to say. Maybe that's reality. Yeah I guess there's nothing much to say about starships or dance floors or djs who got us falling in love again. (And no I'm not hating on the music though they're obviously not my cup of tea, cause.. I'll admit some party songs can be catchy at times)

I thought the ones below are great in their different ways. The first one's something insightful, it's worth your 10 minutes. The second is so cute it makes me smile. And now I can't forget the lyrics to Octopus's Garden.


Are you past oriented or future oriented


The Beatles - Octopus's Garden (animation)

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Although quite unrelated, here is an insightful article my teacher showed us:
What Captures Your Attention Controls Your Life

"Still, I must be careful because Jude is two people. He is a tender sailor whose hands seem too rough and large for the delicate way he makes me feel watched over. 


But he keeps this version of himself locked behind his ribcage until he sees me. The rest of the time he is somebody else."
-

I would sing hey jude/ that would be special/ now take it. blub.

Freeee to be whatever


Oasis - Whatever (Maine Road 1996 live)

Most epic performance ever. Gallagher brothers fight at the start of the performance, Liam walks away from mic and smokes (ooh colourful smoke) while harmonica player flips him off and Noel continues singing and improvises octopus's garden (by the beatles) into the song. Then Liam decides to continue with the tambourine while sitting down and says something mean after the song.

Don't know if it's in my playlist due to entertainment value or what, but the octopus's garden part helped to up the score by 5 points when it was already around 9 to start with.

Music I have been obsessed with the past two days.

I do realise this is my 4th post of the day. But this is music. Nobody can get enough of it. Sara Bareilles' music feels close to her heart, and therefore to us listeners as well, and by that, something I can listen to for hours and days on end. Oasis'/Noel's HFB ones make you feel like screaming "NOEL I LOVE YOU" at a concert. I think their music is amazing in an indescribable way. Really, I don't know why I like them.

-----


Sara Bareilles - Gravity (Acapella version)
- one cannot miss the original, of course. refer to sytycd video below - As I have mentioned, this song works wonders with the choreography. I wish I had listened to it two months ago. This might be a relevant piece in the future as well.


Sara Bareilles - King Of Anything (Live)
this song is special to me because it was the one that cheered me up while I was down and really stressed up during the coursework days back in 2010. I remember having a watercolour palette in front of some sketches at around 3am in the morning and it kind of lifted my mood. That was the first time "happy music" worked for me and I have become a firm believer of the "music changes moods" thing ever since.


Sara Bareilles - Once Upon Another Time
I have called up HMV and Popular for this newest album but they don't have it. Her official store doesn't ship cds to singapore either. Here is a :( to express my disappointment. You can download one of the tracks, stay, from this link.

How gorgeous is she and how great is she live? Am dying to see her play these live. Other wonderful songs include Kaleidoscope Heart, Between the Lines, Uncharted, Gonna Get Over You, Love Song.

-


Sara Bareilles & Ingrid Michaelson - Winter Song
Ingrid Michaelson is coming to Singapore and I will most probably be going!

Favourite Ingrid Michaelson tracks include: Sort of, The Way I Am, Be Ok, Maybe, You and I, Turn to Stone, Can't help falling in love (cover).

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As someone aptly described, Noel is "the bottomless fountain of amazing acoustic songs". 


Noel Gallagher - If I Had A Gun (Acoustic Live)
If I had a gun, I'd shoot a hole into the sun,
and love would burn this city down for you


Have the semi-acoustic emotional version I always post as well:

Noel Gallagher - Don't Look Back In Anger (Live)




Noel Gallagher's High Flying Birds - If I Had A Gun (Live)


Noel Gallagher's High Flying Birds - Don't Look Back In Anger (Live)
Got amused by this comment: "God Speaks at 3:46 :D"

And just to prove all my love for Noel Gallagher did stem from my love for Oasis (they have, unfortunately, disbanded but Noel still makes great music with his high flying birds. I actually like his voice more.), here are some Oasis songs I have been hooked onto:

In fact, my favourite CD on my rack is Oasis' "stop the clocks". Okay Sara Bareilles' "kaleidoscope heart" is  on par.


Oasis - The Importance of Being Idle 
Retro mtv version haha

And I shall end this post with Champagne Supernova, the first Oasis song I heard during SR Rockfest 2009 and consequently fell in love.


Oasis - Champagne Supernova (Live)
I actually like the slower studio version much more (Liam's voice was nicer there as well) but here is a live version in reminiscence of the Rockfest concert. Also, there's Noel's guitar solo from 4:00 to 5:08.

Other awesome oasis/Noel's HFB tracks include: (it's good) to be free, stop crying your heart out, stand by me, wonderwall, Live Forever, Lyla, Sad Song, Whatever, The Death of You and Me.

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okay I have spammed. Bye to nobody in particular.

I also sometimes think of how my parents are the only ones I feel safe sharing certain things with, although I keep huge chunks of myself away from their sight. They see the sides of me that are less dark, which I am not afraid to reveal. As acceptable as these opinions of things are, and therefore things I should be able to tell everyone else, I only say it to them. Like issues of the world, or people, or families, or love, or the country. Because they are wise enough to tell me answers and I do not have to be engaged in discussion where friends expect me to. I think friends want your opinion in return, where my family allows me to let whatever thoughts I have simmer in my mind, or on the pages I write. I think they wish I would share more with them, but they love me nonetheless.

There are no other people where I can call "family". Wait, my relatives share the same grandparents' blood I hold. But I do not understand that kind of love much, because I see them only once a year. As much as I know they care for me, I don't feel that love much. My 'nuclear family' is the kind of family I am talking about here. My husband, if he exists, will be someone I love so dearly and would do everything for, but his blood is not in me. We can bond in all ways possible, but there will not be a single scarlet drop of our liquid in each others' bodies.

When I think of family, and love, I think of my mother. She irritated me today by insisting on giving me a massage. Now, I do not want to let it be misunderstood that I'm an ungrateful person. At that moment it felt like she was offering, or stuffing, something I do not need into my hands, and would not accept "later" or "no" as an answer. I was not irritated by her concern for me, only her insistence on doing "what is right" irregardless of what I needed at the moment. But when I finally relented, and felt her effort in every stroke of her slim hands between some ungrateful requests of mine to not pull the elastic band of my shirt too much (being the ocd person I am), I realised how much she loved me with her silence, not throwing aside that want to help me. Despite the somehow lack of communication before. And of course, how incapable I am of loving someone or considering someone else's needs compared to her.

I think I'd want to be able to shower someone with the kind of sacrificial love she has for me, or the kind all mothers have for their children. I would love my other half with more effort, simply because there is no natural bond to cement us together. Many of us grow old to the realisation that our parents' love for us are so great, despite the arguments and misunderstandings we've had, and we come to find that bond and mend any gaps. But it is different when we are to love a stranger, our to-be-other half. There is more effort to be put in, and I will imitate my mother's love for me.

I think being able to meet someone like that is very difficult, and just now I had the stupid thought of having a baby and loving my own product so much, without having to make it with someone I might not even be lucky enough to meet. There should be a new species of humans, like asexual plants, and I might want to be one if my lousy communication skills and tendency to be lost in my own world scares people away.

The point of writing this is to remind myself that even though a lucky me might experience love in the future, or provide it, there will be nothing quite the same as the blood bond I have with the people who created me, or my brother whom the same couple have created. Last night, my mother woke up in the middle of the night as usual to remind us to go to bed, and I saw the wrinkles in her face, the squint in her usually large eyes. I feel the signs of my parents growing old when they take their frequent afternoon naps.

And I think of what I've written in the first paragraph, that they're the people who have shaped me and answered my questions and accepted me. I heard myself saying, "I do not want to lose them", amidst my frequent desires to break free from the strong hold they have over me, the desires of freedom. I can have both, and show them I love them in return. I thought of this and felt something cold down the corners of my eyes, and this paragraph is evidence of how much I want to remember that moment.